


Douglas Richardson vs. The World

by doorwaytoparadise



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: M/M, Scott Pilgrim fusion, in which Douglas is awesome and Martin is done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-03-17 06:13:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3518426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doorwaytoparadise/pseuds/doorwaytoparadise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Douglas starts dating Martin, everything seems absolutely brilliant.<br/>That is, until the day some weird guy shows up at the airfield demanding a fight and declaring himself the first of Martin's Seven Evil Exes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Start

Not so long ago, in the obvious land of Fitton, England, Douglas Richardson was dating his captain.

=

“Douglas Richardson is dating his captain? Will wonders never cease.”

“Oh, shut it Herc, it's not like you and Carolyn are any less of a surprise.”

“Well yes, granted, though I wouldn't call it dating around Carolyn.”

“You are dating though?”

“Yes, yes I suppose so.”

“Hmph. I suppose both of us are testing out new waters as far as romance goes. Here's to hoping we don't drown.”

“I'll drink to that.”

=

The story of how one Douglas Richardson started dating one Martin Crieff is, on the whole, a very long, complicated, and highly interesting story, but it's not the one unfolding at present. What matters is that the two of them are, in fact, dating, and have been for several weeks now. Their friendship spans several years, and it's this familiarity which allows them to function as a couple both on and off work. The two, while not a typical pair by any means, are happy with what they have, and that is where this story starts.

It's a normal enough day at Fitton airfield, blue sky, scattered clouds, and an all-around pleasant atmosphere. MJN is on stand-by and the company's two pilots happen to be walking between the Portakabin and the car-park, chatting easily and enjoying each other's company. It's a very picturesque scene, which naturally means that that exact moment is when what appears to be a lens flare flashes distantly in the sky in front of them.   
Douglas blinks, brows furrowing as he wonders if he's seeing things, and glances over at Martin to see his reaction. When he looks, however, Martin is staring at the spot with wide eyes, an expression of growing panic forming on his face. Concerned, Douglas opens his mouth to ask what's wrong, before being cut off by a loud boom. He whips his head around to find a smoking crater in the pavement before them, the shadowy figure of some unknown person slowly forming in front of them. An average-sized man of Asian descent, dressed all in black steps out from the rubble, a twisted grin on his face.

“Douglas Richardson!”

Douglas slowly raises an eyebrow.  
The man lets out a battle cry and leaps for the pair, drawing himself into a fighting stance mid-air, clearly preparing to unleash some sort of physical attack. Douglas, quick as ever, shifts his weight, brings up his fists, and sends a devastating punch right into the stranger's face, hard enough to send the man flying back.   
The man crashes to the ground, rolls once, and pushes himself into a crouch.

“Hmph, you're a worthy opponent Richardson.”

“And who are you?”

“My name is Justin Park. I'm the first of Martin's evil ex-boyfriends.”

“Exes. Evil exes. I'm bisexual damnit!”

At the indignant exclamation, Douglas turns to look at Martin for the first time since this Justin character showed up, and sees Martin's face sporting a scowl, looking annoyed enough that his right eye appears to be twitching. Then, the previous statement sinks in.

“He's your ex?” Douglas directs at Martin, before turning back to the newcomer.

“You're his ex? Are you saying...we're fighting...over Martin...?”

Justin blinks owlishly at Douglas.

“Didn't you get my email? It explained the whole situation.”

Douglas shrugs, a careless gesture.

“I don't really check my email.”

The man standing opposite him promptly scowls and charges, yelling all the while. 

“That was a careless mistake on your part!”

Thanking whatever deities were listening for being an ex-boxer, Douglas ducks around the elbow strike aimed for his head, and blocks the knee coming up near his gut. A kick snaps out over his head, and Douglas dodges to side just in time to avoid what would've likely been a concussion. Punches are exchanged and the two combatants move around each other, nearly looking like a dance, if it weren't for the more unrefined fighting style they both seemed to favor. Though Douglas wasn't a shabby fighter, it was clear that Justin was by far the superior of the two. It had been years since Douglas had done any real fighting in a ring, and Justin was both younger and more fit than Douglas could hope to be at his age, as proved by the few sneaky hits he had already landed. Still, Douglas was more clever by far, and knew that the only way to win was to strike hard, fast, and dirty. With that thought in mind, he lashed out with a kick and nailed his opponent in the groin. The man immediately halted his onslaught, hands going to his crotch and a pained grimace crossing his face. Douglas wasted no time in taking advantage of the opening he had created and sunk his fist in Justin's solar plexus, doubling the man over. He quickly brought his elbow down on his back, dropping the other man towards the ground, but not before encountering Douglas' foot, which came up to kick him hard enough to flip him over. Justin was now falling onto his back, but with a foot still positioned above him, Douglas mercilessly brought it down in a final axe kick. Justin hit the floor and promptly burst into coins. 

There was a moment of tense silence, before Douglas straightened, turned, and looked up to meet Martin's wide-eyed gaze. Taking a breath, Douglas simply spread his arms in a 'what the hell' gesture. 

Martin blinked rapidly and heaved a sigh.

=

“So what you're saying is, you have a slew of exes that are all, what, bitter about you breaking up with them? And they banded together to continually mess up your love life? And if I wish to date you, I have to defeat all of them?”

“That just about sums it up.”

“Well, now that's unlucky, even for you.”

“Tell me about it. Um, are you...okay with all of this? I mean, I totally understand if you wanted to break up, it's-it's not exactly the kind of thing someone would want to deal with, I mean on top of me being, well, me, and Justin's just the first, so-”

“Martin. You seem to be under the false impression that you are not the one who is the catch in this relationship. I'm perfectly willing to shoulder the burden of facing your exes if it means I get to be with you.”

“Oh. Right, um, thank you.” Martin trailed off, looking down, seemingly unsure as to how to respond to Douglas' statement. Deciding it was something to examine another day, he took a different route.

“...Are you sure you're alright?”

“I'm fine, Martin.”

“I'm really sorry.”

“So you've said about two dozen times so far.”

“Yes, but I am. I mean, I should've probably warned you at least, I-I mean, its a bit hard to explain but-”

“Martin, it's fine. I'm fine.”

“But Douglas, you're bleeding!”

“That punk got in a lucky shot. Did you really date that guy?”

“For like a week! And we were twelve!”

“Oh really?”

“Yes! And I wouldn't even really call it dating. We never even kissed or anything! I mean, I think we held hands once...”

Douglas huffs out a laugh, reaching out to grab Martin's flailing hands, and drawing the younger man in close. Martin finally seems to relax, letting some of the tension dissipate from his shoulders. With a grin, Douglas turns his head to face Martin.

“So this is why you don't really date?”

“Pretty much.”

“And yet you said yes to me.”

“Well, I figured if anyone could defeat my seven evil exes, it was Douglas Richardson.”


	2. Level 2

It's a week later when the next of Martin's Evil Exes shows up. They are once again at the airfield, and are just stepping outside the Portakabin, this time with Arthur in tow, when there's a loud shout echoing across the tarmac.

“Douglas Richardson!”

Douglas sighs in resignation and glances over at Martin, who appears to be torn between banging his head on the nearest solid surface or letting loose every swearword he knows (which Douglas found out a while ago was quite an impressive repertoire). He turns back to the owner of the voice, blinking as he realizes he is now looking at a young woman. She has short, dyed hair and is dressed in a very punkish manner, all leather and studs. He'd call her very pretty if it weren't for the scowl twisting her features into a terrible look of rage. _Lovely_ , he thinks, watching as she sinks into a fighting stance. 

“Alright, and you are?” 

He drawls, stalling for time. Perhaps he's outdated, but he was raised not to hit girls, and he'd like to spend as much time as possible not fighting her. 

“I am Serenity Green! Second Evil Ex and your demise!”

Douglas wrinkles his nose at the cheesy line, but tenses when she charges at him, swinging some sort of weapon.

“Is that a lead pi-” Douglas cuts himself off as he has to quickly duck beneath the swing of what is indeed a lead pipe.  
“Oh come on!” He grumbles in agitation, thinking how ridiculous this is.

Martin yells his name, and he half-turns to look at him. He has a similar pipe in his hand and he winds his arm back and tosses it. Douglas quickly spins away from the girl's next strike, taking two steps away and thrusting his arm out to catch the pipe Martin throws. 

The two exchange loud clanging hits, and Douglas absently wonders why on earth this Serenity is using a lead pipe when its clear they both have about the same experience in wielding one in combat. That is to say: none. He stops his train of thought when his opponent attempts to bring her pipe down onto his skull, and avoids the blow with millimeters to spare. He grips the pipe in his hand and lashes out at her knees, causing her to flip backwards onto her hands. She cartwheels back further and Douglas takes the opportunity to toss his pipe right where she's about to land. Her foot lands right on top of it, and takes her entire body with it, sending her careening backwards...right into the startled arms of a passing member of the ground crew. 

All parties halt their movement in surprise, and Serenity freezes as she looks up into the face of the man who caught her. There is a beat, before her expression melts into something utterly besotted, and she flings her arms around the man's neck, loudly declaring that she's in love. He blinks owlishly, before glancing down at the pretty girl clinging to him, glances at Douglas, then Martin, before looking back at Serenity. He shrugs, scoops her up, and strides away. Douglas straightens and stares at the retreating pair, before turning to face an equally confused Martin.

“Was that...was that a win...?”

Serenity promptly tosses her pipe carelessly over her shoulder, where it arcs in the air, flipping all the while, before landing at Douglas' feet, and bursting into coins. 

“Right. That was a win, then.”

Douglas looks up from the pile of change before him, just in time to catch Martin's pained look as he tries to explain to Arthur what has just transpired. Shaking his head in amusement, Douglas strolls over to lend his boyfriend a hand, feeling satisfied at having “defeated” another ex, and basking in the relieved smile Martin shoots him when he interrupts Arthur's barrage of questions.


	3. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Herc is kind of like Douglas' Wallace.

Douglas jolted awake as he heard his front door bang open, blinking in confusion at the sound. Pushing himself onto his elbows, he made to get up, but stopped when his bedroom door flew open, to reveal the grinning form of Hercules Shipwright. Douglas blinked.

“Guess who's drunk?!”

“I guess Herc.” Douglas drawled, watching through half-lidded eyes as Herc's grin somehow managed to grow bigger.

“You guessed right!”

Herc promptly strode over to the bed and threw himself beside Douglas. Douglas, rolling his eyes, simply moved out of the way, when Herc's head suddenly popped up from where he had mashed it into a pillow.

“How's the 'dating your captain' thing going?”

Douglas sighed. Herc raised an eyebrow.

“Bad?”

“No, not at all, I just found out that Martin has terrible luck in basically every aspect of his life. Love life included.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“Turns out he has a group of seven of his exes out to make his future relationships non-existent. They call themselves the Seven Evil Exes.”

“How original.”

“Tell me about it. Apparently, at various intervals, they'll show up and challenge me to a fight. I have to beat them all to date Martin. Or, well, to date him in peace. We're already dating, after all, and no ridiculous little gang is going to stop that.”

“Have you, uh, fought any of them yet?”

“Just the first two. Number 1 wasn't too bad, I just had to fight dirty. Number 2 fell in love at first sight with a ground crew member and forfeited.”

The exasperation in Douglas' voice was evident and Herc snorted, amusement plain to see. 

“Having trouble keeping up with the youth, old man?”

Douglas shot him a glare, grumbling.

“Why aren't you with Carolyn?” 

“I was last night.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. It was a lovely night. Carolyn and I totally-”

“Do not finish that sentence Hercules Shipwright, or so help me, drunk or not, I will toss you out into the street. Any knowledge of what you and Carolyn _do_ is knowledge that I do not want to have.”

Herc, oozing smugness, just gave him one last grin, before flopping face-first onto the pillow. Douglas sighed once more, before turning over and dropping off to sleep.

=

The next morning, Douglas opened his eyes and blinked at his ceiling in confusion. He had had a strange dream the night before, where he could've sworn he saw Martin, shooting past on roller blades of all things (which he knew Martin hated, due to a bad childhood experience). When he had called out to his boyfriend, asking him what he was doing, Martin had answered with something about a delivery and Amazon. Douglas really didn't know.

Glancing over at the useless lump of his friend, he shook his head and set about getting ready. By the time Herc had roused himself, slightly hungover and very much grumpy, Douglas was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea, looking extra pristine, just to annoy Herc. Said man gave him a disgusted glare and shuffled to the counter to get his own mug. Douglas hid his grin, and turned back to his phone, where he was asking Martin about his plans for the day. It was a rare day off for both of them, and he was hoping to take the other man out for dinner. 

Herc dropped boneless into the seat across from him and put his head down on the table, groaning. Douglas, radiating as much smugness as he could without risking the chance of actual murder, nudged Herc with his foot under the table. When he lifted his face and stared at him in annoyance, Douglas simply pasted on his most bullshit innocent smile.

“Surely at your age, _old man_ , you would know better about alcohol consumption?”

Douglas suspected were Herc not so hungover, he would be getting a delightfully snarky comeback. As it was, he was simply treated to a truly inspiring expression, mixing regret, loathing, and annoyance into a perfect twisting of features. Douglas almost felt the need to take a picture.

“Don't you have somewhere to be? Like, not here?”

“This is my flat.”

“...that's right. Then shouldn't you be fulfilling that boyfriend of yours' need of an aggravating prat?

“I assure you, I fulfill _all_ of Martin's needs just fine.”

“Eugh, if you don't want to hear about Carolyn and I, why would I want to know about you and him?”

“Consider it payback for the home invasion.”

Herc just made a disgruntled noise, before finishing his tea in one huge gulp, and standing from his chair.

“Whatever, I have errands to run today anyway. Have fun with your boyfriend and try not to get your arse kicked if one of those “evil exes” of his shows up.”

“Why Herc, I didn't know you cared.”

“Piss off, Richardson.”

Douglas smirked at his retreating back, before sending Martin a text with a time and place for later. Hopefully, if an ex did show up, they'd get in a nice dinner first.


	4. Level 3-5

Douglas followed behind Martin, weaving between tables as they were lead to a slightly more private booth near the back. The restaurant they were in was a nice, but inexpensive Thai place, that they had both been meaning to try. Once seated, Martin picked up the menu, absently scanning the choices. He read out several options, absently noting which ones were marked spicy or not, and Douglas tilted his head as he listened. His own menu still sat on the table, and he didn't bother to open it, already making a decision based on what Martin had listed. The waiter came and took their orders, before vanishing again. Martin tapped his fingers on the table anxiously, eyes darting around the interior of the restaurant, scanning the other patrons. Douglas sighed.

“Waiting for another ex to show up?”

Martin jumped slightly, turning to face him.

“No, no, they're all pretty predictable, actually. J-just a bit jumpy from them being around is all.”

“Ah. Predictable, you say?”

Martin hummed an affirmative.

“All seven of them have never changed how and when they attack. Ex #3 is always 6 days after Ex #2.”

Douglas raised an eyebrow.

“Why six?”

“Multiple of 3? I don't know. I don't particularly want to understand the way they think.”

“Mmm, fair enough.”

At that point, their dinner had arrived, and they both lapsed into a comfortable silence, the problem of the exes put aside for the night.

=

The third Evil Ex did, in fact, show up as Martin had said, once more at the airfield. However, they had gotten there before Martin and Douglas, and had been invited into the portakabin by Arthur. Arthur, excited at someone new around, was quick to offer them refreshments. Tea, coffee, or perhaps they'd be interested in a dish Arthur had made himself? The Ex, a young man named Santiago, saw no harm in accepting the offer. 

Twenty minutes later, he sorely regretted that decision, hunched over the toilet, and suffering from food poisoning. Martin was rubbing his back as he groaned, and Douglas stood at the door, looking sympathetic. Santiago decided he really didn't care about fighting, and when Martin's new boyfriend handed him a water bottle, he thought the guy was actually pretty great. Martin, Douglas, and an apologetic Arthur sent him home in a taxi, which left a trail of coins as it pulled out of the airfield. 

=

A couple days later, and Douglas is lounging at his desk in the portakabin, feet kicked up and mobile in his hand, playing some new game his daughter downloaded. Martin is at his own desk, concentrating on paperwork, while Arthur is doing something with coffee that neither man wants to know about. Carolyn is out elsewhere, taking care of business (read: with Herc) and would be gone for a while. 

With the quiet of the room just getting comfortable, there was, naturally, an interruption. The phone rang abruptly, and Arthur, being Arthur, practically flung himself forwards to answer it.

“Hello, MJN Air, this is Arthur Shappey, steward of the aeroplane speaking, though I'm not actually on the aeroplane right now...”

He trailed off as the person on the other end presumably started speaking. He made a thoughtful noise and Martin and Douglas looked up. 

“Helena? You're looking for Douglas?”

There was a dull thud as the door to the portakabin promptly slammed shut, MJN's first officer having just vanished through it. Martin and Arthur both stared at the empty space Douglas had been occupying not 15 seconds earlier, before Arthur recovered first.

“Ummm, he just left.”

-

Martin casually followed his boyfriend outside, somewhat amused at his reaction, but understanding the need to flee in the face of an ex. He found Douglas leaning against the outside wall of the portakabin, hands shoved into his pockets. Martin leaned against the wall beside him.

“Douglas?”

“Hmm?”

The tone of his response told Martin he was expecting questions about his reaction. Martin glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes.

“Are you sure you're not magic?”

Douglas blinked, and turned to face Martin, who was grinning at him. 

“...what do you mean?”

“I mean, I didn't think it was possible to get out the door that fast. Clearly you apparated, yes?”

Douglas snorted at the reference, dipping his head and letting out a laugh. Martin did the same, and soon they were both laughing, shoulders pressed together, and basking in the warmth of their shared amusement. Martin shifted to stand in front of Douglas, rising onto his toes to pull the other man into a chaste kiss. They were both still grinning, and by unspoken agreement, they moved to go back inside.

When the pilots walked back into the portakabin, it was to the sight of Arthur gesticulating at an unamused-looking Carolyn. She caught sight of them, and pinned them both with a fierce glare. Martin subconsciously took a small step back, and Douglas fought the urge to do the same. 

“What's this Arthur is telling me about evil exes and fighting at the airfield?”

Her question was less of an inquiry and more of a tell-me-right-now-or-you'll-regret-it demand. Martin and Douglas looked at each other, before Martin glanced at Arthur.

“Er, what has Arthur told you already?”

“His enthusiastic retelling of what has apparently been happening in my absence didn't make much sense. Evil exes, Martin? I wasn't aware that was a delight you shared with both Douglas and I.”

Martin sighed deeply, and decided that the best place to start was the beginning.

“Well, I first dated this guy when I was twelve, well, I say “dated”, but I mean...” 

=

Ex #4 was not the sharpest tool in the shed, Douglas would later reflect. A man a little older than Martin, he had come at them with weapon drawn, yelling loudly. Of course, he choose to do so in an airport, in the middle of the terminal, with not only Carolyn and Arthur with them, but a number of other travelers nearby. And it was an American airport, strangely enough, as he had apparently followed them from Fitton. Airport security was on him faster than anyone could process, and he was dragged away before he'd even tossed one punch, a pile of coins appearing where he had been apprehended. The whole incident took all of 3 minutes to play out and the crew of MJN stood where they had stopped. Blinking, they tried to process what had just happened. After a moment, Martin inhaled deeply, nodded his head, and started walking again. Douglas shook himself, shrugged, and followed. Carolyn promptly decided she didn't care, and Arthur concluded that all was brilliant again, and they both followed the pilots. 

=

“So, how goes the business with the evil exes?”

Douglas looked up at the drawled question, seeing Herc standing in front of him. He raised an eyebrow, silently asking why the other man was at the airfield. 

“Carolyn.” was all he offered, knowing it was a good enough explanation. Douglas nodded.

“The evil exes thing is...well, it's not bad, per se, but I could do without it.”

“Yes, I rather imagine you could. I'm thankful Carolyn doesn't have the same, seeing as Gordon Shappey is dreadful enough.”

“That's an understatement if I ever heard one.”

Herc tilted his head in agreement, before moving to pass Douglas and enter the portakabin. He clasped the other man on the shoulder briefly, and made his way up the steps.

“Well, good luck, not that you likely need it.”

 

=

Douglas couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for the fifth Evil Ex. Much like #3, she had popped up at the airfield before either pilot had arrived and met one of the other two members of MJN. Unfortunately, this time, it was Carolyn who met them. Once she found out the woman was an Evil Ex here to fight Douglas and try to ruin Martin's love life...well.

As Martin and Douglas approached the stairs, the portakabin door banged open and a blur shot out, zooming between the two men and shooting out across the tarmac. They both stared after the figure in confusion, until a shout of “And don't come back!” came roaring out of the open door. Martin glanced at where his ex had vanished, glanced at the door, and turned to Douglas.

“Pretty sure I don't want to know what Carolyn did. But, I think that counts as a win?”

Douglas raised an eyebrow, about to question if it really was, when Arthur's voice came from the portakabin.

“Wow, mum! Look at all these coins!”

Douglas shared an amused look with Martin. 

=

Later that night, Douglas found himself sitting at Martin's kitchen table, while Martin puttered around the kitchen. He let his eyes track Martin's movement, gaze lingering appreciatively on his boyfriend's backside. As though he felt Douglas' staring, Martin spun around, shooting a look at Douglas. Douglas simply smiled innocently in response. Martin rolled his eyes.

“Tea?” He asked, flicking the kettle on.

“Please. Have you finally invested in expanding your meager collection of tea bags?”

Martin tilted his head, turning to open a cupboard and peer at it's contents.

“Well, let's see, I have: Blueberry, Raspberry, Ginseng, Sleepy Time, Green Tea, Green Tea With Lemon, Green Tea With Lemon and Honey, Liver Disaster, Ginger with Honey, Ginger without Honey, Vanilla Almond, White Truffle Coconut, Chamomile, Blueberry Chamomile, Decaf Vanilla Walnut, Constant Comment, and Earl Grey.”

Douglas took a minute to let the rapid-fire list register in his brain. He narrowed his eyes at Martin.

“Do you really have that large a variety of teas?”

Martin smirked.

“Of course not. You're the tea drinker, I just have coffee. However-”

He placed a small tin in front of Douglas.

“-I do keep a box of your favorite brand now.”

Douglas responded by pulling Martin down to meet him in a passionate kiss. It deepened as Martin sunk down to perch on Douglas' lap, and they likely would've gone further had the kettle not chosen that moment to announce that the water had boiled. 

Martin let his forehead fall to Douglas' shoulder, sighing in exasperation. He stood to shut it off, then moved to reach for a mug, only to stop as he felt Douglas come up behind him. 

“Forget the tea.” Douglas murmured in his ear, arms circling his waist. Martin smiled.

“That works for me.”

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for this prompt on the meme: http://cabinpres-fic.dreamwidth.org/6625.html?thread=13730785#cmt13730785


End file.
